Hi there! Welcome to my blog! I love, love, love talking about all things metaphysics, writing, and blogging. My hope is that you leave here feeling much better than when you came. It's great to see you!
I’D LOVE TO…
I miss the feeling of being really scared to do something, and doing it anyway. Like when we were kids.
When I was learning to ride a bike, I couldn’t imagine ever losing my training wheels. To me that concept was as silly as being thrown up in the air and hoping that wings would spring from my back at the last minute to keep me from falling and getting hurt.
It just wasn’t happening.
Maybe it’s my kickboxing high, but when you think about the life spans of all the souls on earth, from a spaceship’s perspective, their beginning, middle, and end might as well be as quick as a picture flash. Or like fast clips in movie trailers.
Whatever you prefer.
My life, would also be a picture flash, that one second on the screen when the car blows up in a blockbuster movie trailer, that shooting star you thought you just saw. Its entire story will be swallowed up one day, along with the entirety of literature, a million umbrellas, and every single Jack in the Box. Next would come the neighbor’s harmonica, the bottomless ocean.
This blog photo made lovingly with PicMonkey
Life is an ocean of dips and swells. And 2013 was no different.
This time last year, I was compiling blog posts about what got me through 2012, and the four words that best described it: struggle, accomplishment, failure, and love. Four words that describe 2013? Rest, love, discovery, and luck.
I’ve been wanting to write a blog post about a line.
A line? Well, more like a line that doubles as a Xanax. See lately I’ve needed a line to envision, in order to keep from spinning out, from distressing myself with images or thoughts that don’t exist.
I’m unrealistic at times. I often think there is some pre-determined path I’m on where I have no say. I think I’m going to be mugged at any moment. I think about car accidents, terminal illness, or that I’m going to lose the people I love prematurely. I think I’m going to be late to work, that my room is never going to look right, or that I’m not organized enough. I think people think I’m weird. I think I’m going to get a parking ticket. I think too far into the future, and even further into the past.
This is what I call spinning. I don’t always realize when I’m spinning until I’m too dizzy to walk. It’s hard to pin point exactly how out of control my thought processes sometimes are because this spinning happens so frequently, it’s a part of my day, of who I am. We all do it. We all spin. But I want it to stop.
I’ve drawn a line. I see it in my head. It’s comfortable. It’s straight, it’s firm, and it’s steady. It’s my rope, only softer. It’s a bit like a warm open road. When I hold onto it, or when I walk across it, I feel safe, like I’m right at the center of my being, like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and the wind isn’t going to blow me away to some unknown place where I am paranoid and afraid. Anywhere outside of this line, be it two feet to the left or six miles to the right, is where I’m spinning. I’m spinning away from that warm, straight and narrow, off into places known only in my head. Typically cold with no light and a racing heart beat.
Strangely enough, I’m starting to see myself spin and recognize it more so than ever before. So when I see it now, I’m able to hold fast to this line I’ve envisioned. The line’s not anything strict, it’s comfortable, like a line that stretches taut at the center of my being, reminding me of where I am, and keeping me in one place when I’m prone to flights of fancy. In my case, paranoid flights of fancy. As soon as I envision this white-soft line, my feelings of anxiety or paranoia disappear. My heart slows, and I’m able to carry on drinking coffee, loving life, and blogging about line therapy. Did I just make that up?
In other news, I’m working on a great new project. It’s an e-book (how many times have we heard that before?), but this time it’s really just going to be a little thing to reward new subscribers with. A fellow reader gave me the idea to start rewarding new subscribers (I’m forever trying to reward my current ones!), and my sister gave me the idea of what to reward them with. But it’s not just going to be any e-book–it’s going to be a freakin’ resourceful one, and it’s going to be fucking eye catching! Haha. I’m hoping to have it done in a week or two, then it might take a few extra days to get it implemented on the blog and functioning. But given the way I’ve handled a giveaway and a successful blog redesign last month, I’m finishing projects like never before, so you WILL see this happen. And though this will be a reward for new subscribers, this will also be something you guys can download as well.
Okay, I’m moonwalkin’ out of here in a ball gown two sizes too big that makes lots of swishy noises (at least in my head). I hope you have a WONDERFUL Friday and weekend, and if you don’t feel like saying goodbye yet, check out some of the bloggers I featured the past couple weeks on the Passion Series–they’re pretty damn awesome.
(Videos by VAN. Watching these videos gives me a few cents,
and a few cents are always welcome.)
I’ve started this blog post three times already. That’s how you know blogging is terrible, terrible work. But it’s like Bukowski said. Find what you love, and let it kill you (amirite).
I feel like I’ve been writing a ton this past week, and I intend to write more, and more if more is not enough. I’m happy to say last week I got two guest posts published, like I mentioned a few posts ago, and you can find them live on Shanti Publishing and on a lovely little blog called A Caffeinated Brunette. Shanti Publishing is an actual publisher too, who helps self-publishers publish their books for reasonable prices, so needless to say I am VERY excited to now have a contact there. Deanna, the woman behind Shanti Publishing, has also invited me to write another guest blog post there in the near future, so I’m thrilled.
I’ve also been planning blog posts for this blog, as well as articles for that website project I told ya about at the end of my Plans post not too long ago. Everything I mentioned in that post has actually happened like I said it would, so I’m really excited about this once-in-a-lifetime follow through. And thank you SO much to the people who have entered my book giveaway. I’ve got 16 total entries so far, and I am beyond thrilled with that. If you haven’t entered yet, there’s only 3 days left, and I would love it. (You can enter here).
Writing is basically worship for me lately. “You are on this planet to tell the story of what you saw here” is a quote that keeps churning over and over in my head by Catherynne M. Valente. There’s something wonderfully finite about our existence in that quote. You are here (for now). You were some fungus on a rock and by some miracle you are here, on a laptop, listening to rainymood.com while writing a blog post because the vacuum roaring in the apartment adjacent is distracting your peace.
Now what. What will you write. What will you do. Your body will be dust in some unknown year so while it still has heat in it, while your heart is still pumping all kinds of blood through little blood tunnels to keep you alive, what will you say and who will you be. And maybe the memory of you will survive for fifty years, and maybe in 500 no one will remember anyone because everyone will have died off or traversed to Mars or the moon maybe, and soon no one will remember what life was like on earth or who anyone was and what would it matter if they did? We’re so small it’s comical. Have you seen planes in the sky lately? Have you compared the little people in them to the width of the sky? To your very limited view of the width of the sky?
It gives me chills.
I get carried away. But this blog is for my carried away-ness. I like getting swept up in those kinds of thoughts because it keeps me grounded, humble, and grateful for these very keystrokes. Lately writing has been my closest friend in a room full of them. I feel grateful to work hard at a decent paying job, and come home to my writing, to my little desk, and my little projects. I feel in some way this is where I’m always supposed to be.
This is going to sound incredibly off, but I just finished writing about a blogger named Kim Dalferes who published a post on turning 50, and I have to say–I wish I was fucking 50. Here’s why. And I quote.
“One of the many facets of turning fifty, which I most appreciate, is that fifty brings perspective. At fifty I have arrived at the party. At fifty I have become comfortable in my own skin. Now don’t get me wrong – I always have room for improvement. But I find that as I enter this fifth decade I have now grown into my looks and my personality. I’m loud, I laugh at all the wrong parts of a movie, and I accept who I am. Fifty feels good; like a well-fitting red coat that looks perfect with the right pair of black boots.”
I’m sorry, but is there a better fitting description for fifty than that? I think what I most envy about the spirit of being 50 in this quote, and in this blog post, is the “I’ve finally grown into my own personality” mentality. I feel like when you’re fifty, you’re just over everything. You’ve loved, you’ve married, you’ve had kids or dealt with a lot them in one way or another, you’ve had a career (or some version of it), and you’ve just about seen it all. There’s a particular wisdom that seems to come with being fifty that I am for some reason envying tonight.
Well actually, I know the reason–perspective. It just seems like it would be wonderful to have some kind of perspective on the way things are. To have a sort of ‘been there, done that’ mentality, and to be comfortable in your own skin. I’d say more than half of the time I’m comfortable in my own skin, but the rest of the time…hoooo-weee! Sometimes I walk around wondering who the heck I am. Am I really all that confident? Am I really all that smart? Should I be reserved or outgoing? Should I laugh loudly and be silly, or give off an air of maturity? (75% of the time I say ‘fuck it’ and just be me). I still get shy talking about myself to large groups of people. I still would rather hang out in my comfort zone than do anything incredibly daring (for the most part). I still feel some sense of awkward when I meet new people, and feel like a teenager at times, wondering what people think of me. But maybe that doesn’t ever go away. Maybe that’s just something that gets smaller with age, rather than disappears.
I was reading some of the comments from the blog post that Kim wrote about turning 50, and they made me tear up a little bit. So many women commented about how much they loved life, regardless of their ages. Not only did they comment, but they left wonderful little tidbits of wisdom and their mottoes for living life to the fullest. It made me feel like a 15-year-old, hearing about how old some of them were, but at the same time completely fulfilled and boldly looking forward the decades before me. Here are a few that you might enjoy.
“All decades bring challenges, obstacles, and joys.”
“Enjoy your time, wherever you are. Make it your own.”
“Enjoy your thirties – they are awesome! Can I give you just a little advice? Moisturize, and wear a really good bra!”
“Yes 50 is great and does the number really matter when you feel good and life is full love love, joy, fun and abundance?”
Am I right?
All decades bring challenges, obstacles, and joys, so if I had to nail down one description of my twenties thus far, it would be that they’ve been a tapestry of dark and light, an awakening to love, an appreciation for existence, and acceptance of mystery.
I have to tell you the awesome things that happened to me both at work and afterwards today, on a Monday, the most hated day of ever. I know they stemmed from my happy freakin’ thoughts. (I just know it, okay).
Mondays are supposed to be horrible, but every morning when I wake up, I try and imagine the staggering beauty of how we evolved from fungus on a rock billions of years ago, to conscious human beings, parallel parking Priuses. I usually climb out of bed smiling (cause that’s a miracle, baby) and cause these eyes, these ears, and these Trader Joe’s dark chocolates don’t exist on every planet.
I was in a ‘situational funk’ this morning. I call it ‘situational’, because the situation of my high school reunion made me ‘eh’. There was something about that whole experience that reminded me exactly of the way I felt when I went to high school there, and I didn’t feel like my normal self after it was over. So the funk I was in this morning was more because of the situation, versus anything really wrong in my life. Hence, situational funk.
Nevertheless, the Christmas music was blaring from my speakers this morning as I lathered my hair with shampoo, and for some reason I was really, really excited to go into work. It was altogether very strange and funky because just behind my cheery facade, I was in the throes of quite the ‘situational funk’. It was such a weird back-and-forth of emotions that I couldn’t really do much but roll down the window on the way to work and take in the beauty of the day. It was dry, warm, and somehow, fragrant.
(I’m going to pause here to note that someone is outside playing the harmonica on the steps of their apartment building right now, and I feel like I’m in an old Western or floating on Pirates of the Caribbean).
But let’s get on to the good stuff. So there I was, caught up in this strange flux of up and downness, marveling at the all-fucking-over-the-place capabilities of human emotion in the span of a single second, and for some strange, beautiful reason good shit kept happening. So somehow, it was like my subconscious was churnin’ out happy freakin’ thoughts. Number one: when I got to work I was non-stop busy. All day. My absolute favorite. Number two: my sister came into the office to interview for the front office manager position at our company, so I got to see her on a day I usually don’t, and was extremely excited about her potentially working there. Number three: It was suddenly 5:30 at 5:30. I love it when it’s suddenly 5:30 at 5:30.
Okay I’m gonna branch off here and stop listing things numerically to talk about my awesome experience at Trader Joes shortly after I left work around 6:30. I can’t remember it now, (damn it), but for some reason, I was completely floored in my car when I parked in the garage at Trader Joes. I have no idea why. I was gathering up my purse and had this one huge thought about life and I can’t even remember it, it was so huge. But I literally said out loud “wow”.
Moving on. So I was really super happy (it was very sudden) as I bounded down the steps of the parking garage and into the Trader Joes. I got a cart and wheeled around until I got to the frozen section, and realized I needed some edamame hummus (my sister says it’s the dizzle). There just so happened to be a guy there that was helping someone else, so when he was done I asked him where the edamame stuff was. He was an older guy with long gray and white hair tied back into a pony tail. He told me “Sure! It’s right back this way, I’ll take ya. Straight back by the fruit.” Then he started mumbling some things I can’t remember but overall he was really just the epitome of easy going AND helpful. I marveled at how awesome Trader Joes associates were at making you feel special.
Then I made my way to the bananas, and while I’m trying to decide what shade of green to go for, this other guy that works there starts loading up the area with more bananas, and says to me, “These are the ones you want. This is a good bunch.” I smiled and said, “Thanks! I think I want a little more green though. But thanks for the help!” Minor interaction I know, but he was just so damn nice.
So I go ahead and make my way to the grocery line after I finish up my poking around, and realize I want some coconut yogurt that my sister said was good. So I head to the yogurt section and there is another guy that works there, filling up the yogurt in the fridge (I swear it was like some musical the way I kept running into every single happy food stocker that worked there). I say “Excuse me, this says Coconut Milk…is that yogurt?” (Because no joke, this stuff said Coconut Milk). I sort of half knew it was yogurt but wanted to make sure. He said “Yeah, it just says milk but it’s not really milk. It comes from the coconut.” And I said “Great! Thanks!” But THEN he also had to point out that there was a pumpkin flavored yogurt, a chocolate flavored one, as well as a MOCHA flavored one. We got on talking about dairy allergies and how some people can actually eat yogurt but not dairy and yadda yadda yadda and I ended up buying one of the damn mocha yogurts cause he said it sort of tasted like coffee. It was such a happy, friendly conversation, I was really starting to think it was scripted.
So I pay for my stuff and nothing real spectacular happens, except for all of it was only about $80. I also asked for a roll of quarters, and had to go talk to a different guy in order to get them. So I go up to him and instead of just saying “sure” when I ask him for the quarters, he says “Do I have to give you exactly $10 in quarters or can I give you less?” He was totally messing with me. After a little bit of back and forth he says “Well, you’ve got a great smile so you can have the full $10.” This might have been flirting, but he was way older and I didn’t get a creep vibe. More like a friendly uncle vibe. I walked out feeling AMAZING. JESUS!
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! The guy at the parking toll both was also awesome! I gave him my ticket to exit the structure and we got to talking about the ring I was wearing and whether or not it was an amber stone and which birthstone that belonged to and which zodiac sign that was and yadda yadda YADDA. I felt like I had friends all over the damn place!
But wait…there’s MORE. I get home, and I’m squeezing my Corolla into the tightest parking spot imaginable, when out of the clear blue dark I hear a voice that says “You’re good, keep going.” Some random guy on the street who was carrying a couple bags of groceries stopped to help me parallel park my freakin’ car! He helped me until I was successfully parked, and when I shouted “thank you so much!” from my window he said, “no problem, I’ve lived around here for awhile so I know how bad parking gets.” Then he just walked off like nothing happened.
It was at that point that I thought, I have to blog about this.
That was the kicker. That was the thing that really put me over the edge and made me feel like somehow, all of the good vibes I’d had right when I got into work were felt by the universe as well, and brought me nothing but more good vibrations. And I’m such a happy camper right now. I’ve got a fridge FULL of food, a nice warm bed to sleep in, and a bright, bright moon to sleep under. I’m also learning so much more about affiliate marketing, online advertising, and how organizations work, that I’m bubbling over with giddyness.
It makes you stop and wonder…how did I get so lucky? So blessed? I have a feeling the universe would reply with something like, “All these blessings and you’re questioning? Go figure.”
I’m thinking about my high school reunion tonight, and the scary fact that it’s been a decade since I graduated from high school. To me, high school seems about as far away as preschool was. I have blurred memories of hating to take tests, wishing I was popular, and falling in love from a good distance with the ‘drama’ guys who performed in every spring musical. I remember getting glared at by a gothic chick for staring at the dark posters in her locker, improvising my summary of To Kill a Mockingbird in front of the class, and getting anxiety attacks about having to run a mile in P.E. I hated all of my Spanish teachers. One time, I laughed so much in my art class, the guys at the table next to me called me a ‘tweaker’.
I remember thinking the popular girls were perfect.
This was not the high school I graduated from though. I left this high school at the end of 10th grade and never looked back. I went to live with my mom in Los Angeles and ended up at an even worse school, where I graduated and also never looked back. But I’m not going to the reunion for the school I graduated from (if there even is one), because the only bonds I formed at that school are with people who I’m still in touch with, and there’s no reason for me to revisit anything there. The people I went to school with from 4th – 10th grade though, those are real keepers. Those were the people I grew up with. And even though I didn’t walk with them in 2003, I feel like there’s a piece of me that graduated with them.
Looking at where I was then, compared to now, it’s absolutely horrific, as it should be. But I don’t want to say “I wish I was the way I am now, back then. Then things would have been better.” Because it’s not really the truth. Nor, in my opinion, do I think it’s even possible. You can’t get to where you are now, without having to go through where you were then. You have to know what jealousy feels like before you can overcome it. You have to hate yourself before you can learn how important it is to love yourself. So no, I don’t wish I was never awkward in high school. I love that I was awkward, because I love myself now, and I am so fucking willing to embrace my fetal stage. (Weird word choice haha. Fetal? Let’s go with it.) It’s beautiful, getting to new stages in life, and new cycles. Seeing myself as a depressed and unconfident teenager makes me feel even more love for myself because it’s like watching your child go through it. It was a piece of me, and it’s a time that will always be precious. Kind of like those horrible breakups in my early twenties. But I could write novels about those.
At any rate, I’m reminiscing in the best way. I have a really great feeling about tonight, and harbor no ill will towards anyone. I don’t secretly hope the popular girls got fat and divorced with 4 kids (although I do sort of hope the ‘I’m too hot for life’ popular guys endured their fair share of wake-up calls.)
Also, I wanted to update you and let you know that I’m working on joining a program that will let me give cool stuff away to you guys. The only trouble I’m having is deciding what sorts of things to give away. I figured I’d just let you guys decide and let me know. Would you mind taking a look at the list below and letting me know what kind of cool giveaways you would enjoy the most? (It’s free for me and even free-er for you so don’t be shy and tell me what you’d like!)
I’m trying to keep them as gender-neutral possible as well, since I have a nice mix of guys and gals in my subscriber list and would like to keep it that way.
- Gift cards
- Books
- Other
As you can see, I’m out of ideas. Let me know what kind of cool stuff interests you so it can be like Christmas here erry’ week. Just comment with some cool stuff. Right now. Do it. I’ve even installed Disqus, an awesome commenting platform, at the bottom of this post so it’s easier than ever to comment with things that you want, like “cars!” or “cash moneyyy!!”
Thanks. 