I’ve been wanting to write a blog post about a line.
A line? Well, more like a line that doubles as a Xanax. See lately I’ve needed a line to envision, in order to keep from spinning out, from distressing myself with images or thoughts that don’t exist.
I’m unrealistic at times. I often think there is some pre-determined path I’m on where I have no say. I think I’m going to be mugged at any moment. I think about car accidents, terminal illness, or that I’m going to lose the people I love prematurely. I think I’m going to be late to work, that my room is never going to look right, or that I’m not organized enough. I think people think I’m weird. I think I’m going to get a parking ticket. I think too far into the future, and even further into the past.
This is what I call spinning. I don’t always realize when I’m spinning until I’m too dizzy to walk. It’s hard to pin point exactly how out of control my thought processes sometimes are because this spinning happens so frequently, it’s a part of my day, of who I am. We all do it. We all spin. But I want it to stop.
I’ve drawn a line. I see it in my head. It’s comfortable. It’s straight, it’s firm, and it’s steady. It’s my rope, only softer. It’s a bit like a warm open road. When I hold onto it, or when I walk across it, I feel safe, like I’m right at the center of my being, like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and the wind isn’t going to blow me away to some unknown place where I am paranoid and afraid. Anywhere outside of this line, be it two feet to the left or six miles to the right, is where I’m spinning. I’m spinning away from that warm, straight and narrow, off into places known only in my head. Typically cold with no light and a racing heart beat.
Strangely enough, I’m starting to see myself spin and recognize it more so than ever before. So when I see it now, I’m able to hold fast to this line I’ve envisioned. The line’s not anything strict, it’s comfortable, like a line that stretches taut at the center of my being, reminding me of where I am, and keeping me in one place when I’m prone to flights of fancy. In my case, paranoid flights of fancy. As soon as I envision this white-soft line, my feelings of anxiety or paranoia disappear. My heart slows, and I’m able to carry on drinking coffee, loving life, and blogging about line therapy. Did I just make that up?
In other news, I’m working on a great new project. It’s an e-book (how many times have we heard that before?), but this time it’s really just going to be a little thing to reward new subscribers with. A fellow reader gave me the idea to start rewarding new subscribers (I’m forever trying to reward my current ones!), and my sister gave me the idea of what to reward them with. But it’s not just going to be any e-book–it’s going to be a freakin’ resourceful one, and it’s going to be fucking eye catching! Haha. I’m hoping to have it done in a week or two, then it might take a few extra days to get it implemented on the blog and functioning. But given the way I’ve handled a giveaway and a successful blog redesign last month, I’m finishing projects like never before, so you WILL see this happen. And though this will be a reward for new subscribers, this will also be something you guys can download as well.
Okay, I’m moonwalkin’ out of here in a ball gown two sizes too big that makes lots of swishy noises (at least in my head). I hope you have a WONDERFUL Friday and weekend, and if you don’t feel like saying goodbye yet, check out some of the bloggers I featured the past couple weeks on the Passion Series–they’re pretty damn awesome.