January 10, 2012

Public speaking scares me. Crowds petrify me. I was horrible in Speech class, horrible at giving presentations, horrible in meetings to this day even. I can’t even imagine doing a reading at a book store were I ever to publish said novel. I get nervous around authors even, when I ask them to sign my books.

But this Thursday, come hell or high water, I’m going to recite two or three of my very own poems on Open Mic Poetry night at Vinatero Wine Shop. My friend Jax sent me the invite awhile back, and I only looked at it tonight. It’s basically a wine shop where they open up the mic to anyone who wants to read their poetry. Poetry karaoke basically. And where karaoke is concerned, I know from past experience that once you do one song, you want to get up there and do a million more, no matter how badly you sound (that’s me last year on the right with the hair). I’m hoping this poetry open mic thing has the same effect on me.

And when you think about it, the question you have to start asking yourself in any situation you’re fearful of is what’s the worst that could happen? Are they going to boo me off stage? Tell me my writing is crap, and I’ll never make it? What exactly am I afraid of here? I think more than anything I’m afraid I’ll fuck up.

All I know is it’s 2012 and it’s time to go big or go home. The first week of 2012 is already gone, somersaulting around in some other fabric of time or getting gnawed on by rapacious Langoliers. I spent it working on a gift for Melody’s 27th birthday, and this week, now that I am all set up with my dual monitors, I am ready to face the music–or the people in this case. I want to do things this year that I have been too afraid to do in past years, and walk around outside of my comfort level a bit. I made salmon tonight ferkrissakes! SALMON. You’re talking to a frozen dinner gal here, who barely knows how to bake pizza. I was actually a little anxious about making it, but I did it and by golly it came out fantastic.

I didn’t really make any resolutions for 2012, because I feel like they dissolve quicker than snowflakes on the tongue. Instead I am revisiting my values, and implementing better habits. Spending less money, eating better, drinking less, walking slower, seizing opportunities to display some of the darkest corners of my mind to complete strangers at wine shops, that sort of thing. Above all, I feel smaller and smaller every day with regard to my place in the universe, and it’s gotten me realizing that no matter how big of an issue I think something is, the universe thinks bigger and will always beat me at arm wrestling. Which means no matter what you do, in the end the ground will swallow you whole and the black holes will keep on blacking and the worm holes will keep on worming and the sun will keep right on sunning and they won’t even think twice about it. Which means that thing you’ve been thinking is real big and scary?  There’s nothing to it.

We’ll see how well this pep talk works right before I go on stage.

Monique Muro

Monique is an exceedingly happy human from LA. She runs the blog A Novel Quest, and writes. A lot.

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