January 12, 2013

I just cried for 15 minutes because I couldn’t put a stupid dollar amount in a box. It kept saying ERROR, ERROR every time I put in my salary amount in my online UCLA application. I tried it 5 different ways and got frustrated I threw off my headphones and wailed. I’m so tired.

I’m so tired of working on my business school applications, and that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get in. It means I’m putting so much into it, I am questioning the whole reason I’m even going. Tonight I was working on my resume, and the entire week I have been working on my admissions essays. I sent them to an admissions consultant, and she gave me great feedback on them, but now I am so overwhelmed. I put everything I had into them, and now there’s more work to do. But it’s not just simple “fix this, fix that”, it’s like, I have to re-work the whole damn thing. Because my dreams, my dreams don’t tie into business school. THAT’S the problem.

I want to do artsy things, but I can’t just sit home and do that for the rest of my life. I have to sell them, and I have to get them manufactured. And I need a website. I need a team. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to run a business. That’s why I’m going! I don’t know how to be more specific about how business school ties into what I want to do with my little artsy business, I know that I need business school to learn how to do my little artsy business, but the specifics are what I’m going to learn when I get it in!

*cries*

And all of this makes me even wonder why I am working so hard. Why should I have to work so hard to get into a school and learn? There’s so much free knowledge out there, and all I want to do is learn it. I just want to go to school. I will get the money. I will pay you. Teach me. That’s all I’m asking. The fact that I want to PAY all this money for them to teach me, shows I’m serious, right? Why all these hoops, these rings of fire? I’m not training to be an EMT or a doctor, I just want to learn how to make a living doing the things I love, and love is really all it comes down to.

This process feels so forced and so…like I’m a cog in a machine.

My throat is itchy and my eyes are watery and my nose is stuffed and my abs are sore so they hurt when I cough or sneeze. I’m sick and tired. And giving up for tonight.

Just for tonight.

Blog Signature


Monique Muro

Monique is an exceedingly happy human from LA. She runs the blog A Novel Quest, and writes. A lot.

Latest posts by Monique Muro (see all)

←
  • Lynne Muro

    Monique, if more people had your passion, drive and commitment for knowledge, and sought their goals as though thrill seeking, the world would be much more interesting and less apathetic. Keep pushing and don’t give up … it’s who you are … and you are amazing!

  • Debbie Weissman

    A good solid cry gets rid of everything that ales us. I’m sure afterwards you went to sleep and woke up refreshed for a new start to a new day. I will tell you what I told you earlier today. I read your submission papers and I thought they were amazing. But then again, you are my daughter and you make me so proud. The many doors of opportunity are awaiting your arrival. Your drive and enthusiasm will take you wherever you want to go in life. You cannot be successful without failure and dissapointments. So re-write those papers, submit them and have a bottle of wine. Love you!!!