Warning: no two drunks are alike. The degree to which alcohol affects the average human’s body, mind, and soul, differs from human to human. The below advice should be considered as a general plan of attack to tame ‘the intoxicated’, and may or may not be applicable to every drunk.

Second warning: It’s Halloween. Witching hour. Your typical happy drunk may stab you in the back or stab themselves in the front. Either way, following these steps should keep all stabbing to a minimum.

1. Identify the type of drunk. This is the first step in properly assessing how to tame ‘the intoxicated’ Lady Gaga, Sexy Warrior Princess, or Sassy Daisy Bee. Persons that become weepy, tired, angry, loud, or just too fucking happy, will need to be handled differently.

2. Sympathize. Gage the number of drinks ‘the intoxicated’ has had, and put yourself in their shoes. Remember, you too have once been at their level, after 4 beers, a shot of tequila, and a Midori sour someone gave you for no reason at all but who cares you guzzled it. Try and gauge where their head’s at, before you start yelling “Shut up, Jenn! You’re fucking drunk!” and pushing them towards the door. This will keep an overly happy drunk happy, and an angry drunk less so.

3. Listen. They’re telling you about their cat, how much they hate fucking Facebook, how they love dressing like a slut on Halloween because it’s their only chance. Listen to them. They can’t talk like this when they’re sober, it’s awkward. This is their chance to express how they feel. At the very least pretend to listen. They won’t know the difference. And when you don’t listen, their decibel level increases exponentially.

4. Agree. ‘The Intoxicated’ wants to go skydiving! Tomorrow! Will you come with? Yes. It’s important to agree with ‘the intoxicated’ because they are sensitive to everything you say. If you say no, they’ll make a commotion to try and convince you by either being loud, telling all the other Sexy Jail Birds, Harry Potters, and Naughty Nurses you’re no fun, or making you ‘owe’ them something for not following them in their plane-jumping glory. Just say yes and deal with the consequences when they’re sober.

5. Distract them. When they want to leave you to tell that stranger dressed as Snow White how much they’ve always wanted to be a princess, it’s important to keep them in their place. Once ‘the intoxicated’ starts chatting it up with every Jason, Freddy, and Mike Myers in their periphery, things fall apart.  Especially when Jason, Freddy, and Mike Myers are less drunk. Once ‘the intoxicated’ starts making their move, distract them with something, anything. (Not another drink). What were you saying about skydiving with a cape?

All in all, let’s try and have a memorable Halloween, one in which blacking out simply means stumbling into a dark closet. Try not to lose your soul to the demons of the drink.

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Monique Muro

Monique is an exceedingly happy human from LA. She runs the blog A Novel Quest, and writes. A lot.

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