I don’t know if it’s because I’m just getting older, or if it’s because I’m some kind of hormonal? But I’ve really been feeling that maternal itch lately. I started feeling it when I was 28, but now that I’m 24 days away from turning 30, I’m REALLY starting to feel it.
I guess it’s more of a pull than an itch. Everything around me has been making me want a baby. I’ve been having really vivid dreams about babies that I just knew were mine, and missed desperately when I woke up. I’ve been writing a lot of articles for a father’s lifestyle magazine about parenting lately too, which has me researching how to baby proof a house, and how to let your kids decide what career is best for them. (I partially wonder if that landed in my lap for a reason? Maybe to prep me? Ok, universe). And when I see babies I go nuts and want to sort of squeeze them to bits.
From a spiritual standpoint though, I’m partially obsessed with them because I want to ask them about God. They’re the ones who’ve seen Him most recently, and I itch to know what they feel.
Like how does it feel to see each new day as actually new? How does it feel to know that the time really is now? How does it feel to have zero memories, and to be absolutely unburdened by everything you’ve ever experienced? And how does it feel to feel pure love?
I once worked at a school, where one of the little kids would tell me he talked to God. He told me he heard him in the wind.
I about died of overwhelming emotion. I wanted to ask him all sorts of questions, but the poor kid had playing to do and I was interrupting him.
But when I see babies and little children, I try and look them in the eye and somehow communicate to them that we are one, and that I see their pure, baby souls. I try to reconnect with my own soul, and bring it out as best I can so that the baby soul somehow picks up on my loving vibration. And in fact the other day I was at a movie theatre, and the baby in the arms of a dad behind me ran its fingers through my hair. I turned around to see the most beautiful face, maybe a 1-year old boy with blue eyes and lots of dark brown hair. I smiled at him so wide and said, “Oh hello baby!”
He got so bashful, he smiled and buried his face into his dad’s shoulder. The dad said, “I swear that wasn’t me,” referring to the hair pull. But I felt like it was more of a message from whatever spirit lies inside of that small body. Saying hiiiii. Almost like one spirit recognizing another.
I always wonder what sort of mother I’ll be. I wonder if I’ll be like my own mother, or if I’ll be super strict when they’re young like my dad. I always wonder if I’ll find a delicate balance between being a loving mother and a fierce, disciplining mother. Or if I’ll be one or the other. I wonder if my kids will walk all over me. I wonder if they’ll be afraid of me. I wonder what I’ll have – a boy or a girl. I wonder if they’ll experience life with open arms and hearts. I wonder if people will be mean to them or love them. I wonder how badly they will hurt my heart.
I never wonder though, about the depth of love I’ll have for them. I can’t see it now, but I already know it’s there.
It’s strange to think I’m entering a decade where all of this happens. Marriage, babies, being a mom. It’s like this is the decade where all of the real adult stuff starts happening. You’re not ready for it, but time brings you to it anyway.
24 more days till I hit 30 and I’m in want of a baby. And the universe whispers….in time. As if it cared about time at all.
Thanks for reading! This post is part of a 30 days to 30 series, read all about it here.