May 9, 2014

Move

It has been crazy weird, and crazy tough.

Moving my stuff out of my apartment last Monday night, I was hit with a panic attack that was as slow moving as a mudslide and just as destructive. It lasted the entire night, and slowly started to subside the following afternoon.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a panic attack before, and it blindsided me because I had nothing to panic about. Sure, moving was a stressful time, but up until that point I had been so excited about it, I was literally crying tears of happiness hours before it happened. So when it did, it both shocked and scared me.

I had another one last night when I got home from work.

I hate trying to analyze this stuff, but I will say that what I think happened was that I was feeling so good on a surface level, but something wasn’t right internally. Something in my gut had a fit as soon as I started my new routine in my new bathroom and my new shower and my new apartment and my new commute in this new building.

I woke up this morning telling myself over and over that this was my new home and my new reality. Not because I didn’t believe it, but because it was the only thing that seemed to calm my rapidly beating heart and my crazy thoughts that were moving at the speed of light. It was like my body was freaking out because I hadn’t discussed with it all of these new changes.

Today I felt much better after some peppermint tea. It was like magic. It’s easy to slip into the alcohol and self-medicated trap when you are feeling unwell mentally and emotionally, and I didn’t want to go there. As much as I just wanted to knock out because being awake and dealing with it was too overwhelming, I knew that taking a couple of shots of whiskey would only bandage the problem and do nothing to cure it. And teas and organic/raw juices have always made me feel better, even when I am feeling good. And they definitely did the trick.

I just need to be patient with the moving process, and patient with myself. When things start spiraling out of control, I tend to blame myself even more for not being able to deal with it. I’ve told myself over and over the past couple days to be gentle with myself. The worst thing I think is feeling angry or ashamed for having a completely normal and expected reaction to such a huge change. I need to start each new day with love, for myself especially, because I feel like I’ve been giving myself a beating. And more than anything I just want to enjoy this new time in my life with Adam, who I’ve been looking forward to living with forever.

I do want to give you a brief rundown of our moving adventures too, because they were pretty funny.

— They were filming a commercial on his street on the day of the big move, making it difficult to get all of his furniture out of his apartment and into the U-haul we rented. We had to schlep it across a busy street each trip.

— Right when we started moving, my bank sent me a text message saying someone used my debit card for $500 worth of gas at a Pilot Station in Oklahoma, and was this charge mine?

— There was some crazy guy who wouldn’t leave us alone as we schlepped our stuff out of the truck and into our new building. The U-haul truck didn’t have a lock on it, so each time we went up to dump stuff in our new apartment, he would stand right by the truck, talking to himself, and telling us to make sure we locked the truck so he wouldn’t steal anything. Luckily there was a nice Mexican lady standing nearby who gladly watched the truck for us as we made each trip.

— The loft still needed a few touch ups when we moved in, and our locks didn’t work!

— Sunday morning the elevator in Adam’s old building broke — we had to carry his smaller TV down 11 flights of stairs. Phew!

On the plus side, we did get a free bottle of bubbly after signing our lease, and the place is beautiful. We are officially all moved in, so now comes the fun part of unpacking, organizing, and decorating.

Also on the plus side, KINGS ARE LEADING THIS PLAYOFF SERIES 2-1 RIGHT NOW! WOOT WOOT!

Lastly, I have not forgotten about this week’s post for the What Does This Remind You Of series, but sadly I just didn’t have time for it. Postponed till next week! I’m hoping I can get back on track with all of my projects next week, after the dust settles in our apartment and in my spastic soul.

Until then, peace, love, and packing tape. Or unpacking tape.

Monique Muro

Monique is an exceedingly happy human from LA. She runs the blog A Novel Quest, and writes. A lot.

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  • Lynne Muro

    You’re not human if you haven’t had a panic attack. I’m so proud of you for talking yourself through whatever anxiety is associated with this big move. Adjustments just take a little bit of time, so be kind and easy on yourself and allow yourself time to assimilate. Maybe you should go stand in your new kitchen and twirl like you used to do when you were little girl

    • http://anovelquest.com Monique Muro

      Thanks so much for the kind words Lynne! I definitely have been reminiscing on younger childhood days lately, because it makes me feel better :) <3

  • Terme Hayempour

    Give yourself time. I went through the same thing when I made the move back to LA and a few months later I’m still trying to get settled and feel 100% ok. Just be patient with yourself and accept and embrace what you are feeling. You are starting a new chapter which is exciting but you’re also letting go of a part of your life/past.

    • http://anovelquest.com Monique Muro

      So true! Thanks so much Terme, being patient with myself is the hardest part, because I keep thinking I should be able to just power through it. But it is so key.

  • Kait Marie

    Awww! Tea is the best! Give yourself some time to adjust and be kind to yourself while you do. Big changes are so hard. I’m currently in the waiting process that might result in big changes, and just the THOUGHT of the big changes makes me both ecstatic and queasy. Human emotions are weird. :-)

    Congrats on moving, congrats on executing said move despite all the craziness. Now you get to make your new home with your lovely boyfriend. It’s going to be AMAZING!
    *hugs*

    • http://anovelquest.com Monique Muro

      Thanks so much Kait! I’m so excited to hear about this big news you’ve been teasing about! Did you blog about it? I feel like I may have missed it if you mentioned it! Going to go stalk your site now <3

      • Kait Marie

        LOL! I actually haven’t written anything about it at all. I’ve been crazy busy at work, and juggling this and dealing with the overwhelming excitement… Haven’t had much blogging time. Plus, I’d hate to get everyone else excited for nothing. I do have a second interview this Friday, and hopefully after that I’ll have LOTS of blogging to do. Fingers xed!

        P.S. I hope that you’re feeling better and more at home at your new place now that it’s been a few days!

        • http://anovelquest.com Monique Muro

          Woo hoo! Second interview, yay! Fingers crossed. You deserve it girl! Such a hard worker :) And I’ve been feeling a lot better slowly but surely as we settle in, thanks so much for the support!

  • Deanna

    Such a great post at a fantastic time. Thank you for telling yourself and all of us to be kind to ourselves. It is so very important and so very easy to overlook. We judge ourselves far more than any other person could even consider.

    • http://anovelquest.com Monique Muro

      Thanks Deanna! We do judge ourselves more, and I felt like I was being way too hard on myself these past few days. It’s okay to admit that we are not super women with super powers to get through everything! Thanks for stopping by :)